Voices That Harm Us
by Evil poptarts will take over
Summary: Star Trek AU where Spock suffers from severe mental problems due to being tormented as a child. Along the way he wil be recieveing help from his crew and perhaps someone even more. Trigger warnings will be posted at beginning of each chapter when necessary. Rated M for chapter ease R&R.
1. Chapter 1

Voices That Harm Us

By: Evil

It was a normal evening on the _Enterprise _and all that could be heard on the bridge was the slight humming of machines and hushed voices of the Alpha Bridge Crew. Uhura was at her station translating a recent message from the Betazoids, Chekov and Sulu were huddled together talking about the newest couse and Spock was at his station analyzing some space debris. Captain Kirk was reading a report when Spock suddenly stood up and hobbled to the turbolift. "Mr. Spock, is everything okay?" Kirk asked. Spock turned around and the chilling look that was given made shivers go up Kirk's spine. His First Officer's eyes seemed a bit more…unfocused"I am fine Captain. I just need some time to meditate." And then he was gone. Kirk stood up. "Uhura, you have com." He said running to the lift and disappearing as well.

As Spock was hurrying down the hall, the thrumming was getting louder and was starting to form into disembodied voices of his childhood bullies.

_Why are you running? _

_You have no friends… _

_Why don't you go die somewhere._

_No one will miss you half breed._

_Hurt us like you did your teacher._

"SHUT UP!"he yelled at no one. He swayed slightly to the nearest wall and shot a fist out, a sick sounding crunch resonating throughout the hall. He laughs as he repeatedly slams his fist into the wall then looks at his bloody hand and smears the blood in various patterns on his face and the wall. He is so enthralled he doesn't see Kirk standing a few feet from him. "Spock!" he yells, running to the Vulcan. Spock, startled, jerks back and starred at his captain with a chilling grin. Kirk stoops to his knees and crawls slowly to the bloody man. "They're not pleased Captain….. you are a threat to them….LEAVE!"and he struck out and slammed Kirk into the wall, cackling. He suddenly grabbed his head and his back hit the wall. He groaned and when he looked up, his eyes widened and he slowly backed up. "No…" he whispered,taking off towards his quarters. Once he stepped in, he set up a code on his door where only the CMO can override leans against the door and sinks to the ground, tears falling down his bloodied face and his fist throbbed. He started clawing at everything while saying over and over. "Leave me alone…"

An ensign was walking down the hall to go to shift when she notices a body slumped against the wall. After closer inspection, she let out an shrill piercing scream. She runs to the wall and coms Sickbay. "Captain down!" she said breathlessly. "We are in the halls leading to the Holodeck. Please hurry." She runs back to Jim and props him up, cleaning off his face with a rag she always carries with her. A few moments later, Bones steps out and bolts to his fallen Captain. He freezes when he sees the green blood and dented wall. "Oh no… Ensign! Take the Captain to Sickbay right now and explain what happened. I'll be there in a few." And he takes off towards Spock's room, mumbling under his breath. 'Dammit hobgoblin' he thinks as he reaches the Vulcan's door and tries opening it. "Damn."He mutters, putting in the override code and knocking. "It's McCoy. Now let me in hobgoblin." There was scuffling and a weak "Enter" was heard. McCoy opened the door and saw a figure huddled in the corner. "Dammit."he said softly, walking slowly the Spock. He kneels down and put on rubber gloves. "Now Spock, I need to to look at me." After no answer, Bones growled lowly and lifted the other man's head up. Deep scratches littered his face and his eyes looked dead ahead.

McCoy takes a rag and a water bottle he always keeps in his medical bag and wets the cloth, slowly wiping away the smears of green. He tenderly ran the rag over slanted eyebrows and Spock pulled back slightly. "Spock. If I do not get these clean, then they will get infected. Please stay still." Spock flinched every time the rag ran over his face but remained relatively still. He sets them aside and pulls out a dermal regeneration and runs it over the shallow cuts on his face. " Anyplace else?" Spock only lifted his fist and showed his bruised and bloody knuckles. Bones says nothing and wets the rag again, but this time with antiseptic. "It may burn a bit." He said softly as he pats the cuts. Spock hisses and tries to pull away. "Stop it."Bones said, picking up the dermal regeneration and running it a few times over the gash. After the wounds are healed, Bones puts everything away and lifts up Spock's head again. "Why did you wait so long to tell me hobgoblin? It almost never gets to this degree." He said softly.

Spock is quiet before speaking up hoarsely. "I-I thought I could deal with them on my own. A-Apparently I was wrong. I apologize for worrying you so much Doctor." He said after a while. Bones nods and scoots to where he is beside Spock and lays the man's head down on his shoulder and wraps his arms around him. "Just follow my breathing." He instructed. Spock nodded and started breathing in sync with Bones and closed his eyes, finally allowing his mind to relax. "That's it. Just easy breathing. No one is here to hurt you." He soothed, trailing his fingers through the other's hair, causing the Vulcan to let out a content purr. McCoy looks out the window and sighs, internally cursing at Spock's childhood tormentors and thinking of ways to better monitor Spock before his manic episodes get this bad. Looking down Spock looked like a overgrown child the way he curled up to him. The sight made McCoy swear to the higher beings that he will do everything he can to keep Spock from harming himself or anyone else.

_Hello people. Thank you for tuning in to this fic. There will be more chapters and at the top there will always be a trigger warning. I am trying to balance out my other fics, but I am a senior so college applications and senior stuff is kicking my butt._

_Kirk: Excuses!_

_Me:* Throws a brick at his head* Shaddup._

_Bones:Dammit Evil!_

_Me: Can't be helped. Please read and review. I am also taking suggestions on the major ship that will happen. Check out my poll on my page to help me._


	2. Chapter 2

Voices That Harm Us

Ch.2

_Surprise mothafuckas! Guess who's back?* dances and gets hypo'ed by Bones*_

_Bones: The author says she has been busy with school crap and has delayed in writing, when in actuality she goes to conventions and neglects her writing._

_Me:* comes to* ughhh…. *glares at Bones* Whatever he told you is lies. Spock, please say the disclaimer. I have a little… meeting with Mr. CMO . *grabs riding crop and drags Bones out by his shirt*_

_Spock: Evil does not own us but she does have her plot and seriously twisted mind.(flinches at every sound the crop makes smacking skin)_

Kirk groans and blearily opens his eyes, noticing he was in Sickbay. _What the hell happened?_ He thought as he tries to sit up to be automatically pushed back down by Nurse Chapel. "You are injured .Spock managed to break a few ribs, which in turn punctured your lungs. You need to be more careful and not get into situations where you get injured so much."She chided, checking his vitals. "Where's Bones?" Kirk asked hoarsely. Chapel stops what she's doing and sighs heavily before speaking. "He is currently with now trying to calm him down. There is no need for any concern ."she reassured, walking away. Kirk leans back down and sighs. _What the hell was up with my First Officer? I will find out if it's the last thing I do_ he thought before falling asleep out of pure exhaustion.

Bones couldn't tell how much time has passed since Spock's meltdown and he cracked his neck. Apparently the slight movement woke Spock ,who opened his eyes and yawned. "How ya feelin'?"Bones asked, turning to face Spock. "I am feeling adequate thank you Doctor." He said stretching slightly, a soft moan escaping his lips, causing him to blush slightly. Bones pretended to ignore it as he stood up and walked to the replicator. "Want anything to drink?" he asked. "An herbal tea would be most appreciated" he replied. Bones nods and punches in the numbers. He walks back over and kneels down, handing Spock his drink. "Much thanks Doctor." Bones only grunts and knows that he is not needed, but somehow something compelled him to stay. _Dammit McCoy. You are getting too soft with the hobgoblin_ he chastised as he sat back down by Spock and studied him closely. He noted Spock had a slight dusting of freckles across his nose and his normally stoic expression was replaced with childlike innocence while his eyes sparkled in the low lighting. "Is there something on my face that has interested you?" he asked, confused why McCoy was staring at him so intensely. Bones moved away, spluttering all sorts of denials that made the corner of Spock's mouth twitch upwards ever so slightly. Bones was muttering to himself as he willed his blush to go down. "I was just checkin' for any other bruises I mighta missed." He said gruffly,crossing his arms. "I meant no harm doctor. I was merely stating a fact." He said, amusement lacing his tone slightly, which caused the good doctor to splutter again.

A knock is heard and the door slides open to reveal Uhura,who runs to Spock's side and kneels. "How is he doctor?" she asked, stroking Spock's cheek let out a sigh and turned to her. "He's fine now, although I am not too sure about Jim. Ya boyfriend knocked him a good one against the wall." He said the last part kinda annoyed and Spock looked down. "I must apologize for my behavior." He said, standing up, which caused both Uhura and Bones to fall. "Oh no you don't gremlin. I don't think you are stable enough to go anywhere with too much stimuli. Anyway, Chapel said Jim was sleepin' and the only way someone will wake him up is over mah dead body." Bones snapped, standing up and helping Uhura up. "I agree Spock. I don't know what triggered you, but it would be best if you stayed here. I can stay with you if needed." She offered. Spock thought about it and nodded. "It seems logical." Both Bones and Uhura let out a sigh of relief and Bones picks up his bag. "I'll be in Medbay checking on our idiotic captain if you need me. Commander. Lieutenant. Have a good rest of the evenin'" He said with a nod to both and walks out.

Once Bones left, Uhura brought Spock into a deep kiss, hands resting on either side of his face then pulls away. _"T'nash-veh bolau nam tun-bosh,ashayam."_(You need to be more careful, love) Spock nods and presses a kiss to her temple. _"T'nash-veh ken-tor."_(I understand) Uhura leans into his shoulder and sighs. She loves him with all her heart, but sometimes she doesn't know what to do whenever he goes into one of his episodes. She feels helpless as she watches her man slowly sink into madness and she knows that it will only get worse. The healers on New Vulcan said the mental damage was already too great and all that could be done was to hold it at bay, but in a few months time, he will be completely gone. Sarek's face was stony, but in the back of his mind, he could feel an inkling of guilt and, to his surprise, anger at himself for allowing his son to get to the way he is now.

Uhura pulls back and looks at Spock with a sad smile and a sinking feeling in her gut as she stills herself at what she is about to do. "Spock, we need to talk about something important." She said softly. Spock lead her to his bed and sat down with her. Nyota took a deep breath and continued. "You know I love you right?" at that he nods and she continues "Well I have been thinking about a few things lately and I have decided to break things o…"she trails off as she bursts into tears and holds him close. "It is just s...so hard seeing you lose you…. yourself and… and knowing that th…there is nothing I can do." She lets go and stands up, tears falling as she sees the subtle look of disbelief in Spock's eyes and saw a single tear fall. She covers her mouth and runs out, leaving Spock heartbroken and alone once more._ See. No one truly loves a halfbreed. Pretty soon you will have no one~ _a voice mocked. "Shut… up." He muttered, clawing at his hair. _But why are you hiding from the truth~ No one would care if you disappear~ _Spock trembled and sunk to his knees and let out a soul piercing shriek that would send chills down your spine and collapsed on the floor, twitching and muttering nonsense to the empty air.

_And that's that. Hope I effectively ripped your heart out and caused you internal grief! ^_^_

_Bones:*limps into the room* She's a monster..._

_Me:*kisses his cheek* I love you Bonesy. Now you know to not spread such lies. Please R&R and don't forget to vote on my poll._

_Spock:Indeed. The statistics are leaning more towards myself and McCoy. The poll will still be open until Evil updates with the new chapter._


	3. Chapter 3

Ch.3

_Me:* walks in 15 minutes late with a cookie and Starbucks*Yooo!*sees everyone staring at me* What? I'm hungry dammit! Anyway welcome to the third chapter._

_Spock: As a recap, the author left me on my floor in the throes of a meltdown last chapter and she was laughing the whole time, which is quite rude._

_Me:* sits by McCoy and snuggles up to him, much to his embarrassment*_

_Bones: \\\\ Evil doesn't own us. Now stop squeezing me so tightly._

_Me:^w^_

_Kirk: *shakes head* Anyway the polling is closed and it appears that an overwhelming majority chose to ship my two besties. Tbh, I would've done the same thing. Evil wants to thank all that participated and hopes you enjoy the rest of the fic._

A few hours later, Spock has exhausted himself and just laid on the floor, curled up in a ball as he stared at the wall. His room was completely destroyed and specks of blood was everywhere. He didn't hear the door open, the sharp intake of breath or footsteps approaching him. "Spock. What happened?" McCoy murmured, sinking to his knees slowly as to not startle the man. "T….they are getting louder. I fear it is getting worse…" He said softly. Bones sweeps Spock into his arms and starts stroking the other's hair gently. "Aw hell Spock. Ya gotta stop holding off on me. I know something else happened because you never have attacks so close together before and I want to know the truth." He said sternly. Spock was silent before speaking barely above a whisper "Nyota left me." Bones stared in disbelief then finally it all clicked into placed. "She… broke…" he trailed off as Spock nodded.

Something akin to anger surged through the doctor's body and he was half tempted to go after her. "Don't. It was not her intention to hurt me. It was so sudden that I…" he falls silent as his face contort in pain. Bones could feel the other man's heartbeat rise and he pulled Spock as close to him as possible. "Hey now. Take it easy. Remember slow breathing" he instructed. Spock tried but the voices were too loud and he started hyperventilating. Bones steels himself for what he is about to do. _It is only a way to calm him down_ he thinks as he presses a light kiss on Spock's temple. Spock is momentarily stunned at what is happening and he hears the voices fade away into silence. He purrs and unconsciously lifts his head slightly. Bones feels Spock's pulse go back to normal and pulls away, only to see Spock tilting his head up. He fights down a blush with a silent "Dammit" and leans back against the wall, feeling Spock wrap his arms around his neck and nuzzle into his neck, feeling light sighs and soon dozes off with the realization that he might be staying with his commander the whole night.

If there was one thing James Tiberius Kirk hated, it was being prevented from seeing his crew. He woke up and waited until Chapel had her back turned, then he snuck out of Medbay and headed to his First Officer's room. "Spock…." He whispered, not wanting to trigger his best friend again. To his surprise, he sees Bones and Spock curled up together in Spock's bed, sleeping soundly. He walks over to them and to his relief they are clothed. _I mean it would be awkward to walk in on your 2 friends nude, ya know?_ He reasoned with closer look, he sees how relaxed both his CMO and First Officer is and a plan formulates in his mind on how to get them together because it is obvious they have a thing for each other. _Or Bones is only doing this because Spock is a whackjob who needs control or he'll kill someone_ the rational side reminded him. He strokes their hair gently and walks out with a small smile, unaware of the events that actually transpired beforehand.

_Flashback_

_Spock woke from their impromptu nap and saw McCoy asleep. With a barely noticeable smile, he picked the doctor up and laid him in his own bed and curls up by him with a deep purr and falls asleep once more_.

_End flashback_

As Jim is walking, he gets hit with a sense of vertigo and throws up in the middle of the hallway. He leans against the wall and groans. Man, things just never go right for him. People walking by pass him worried looks and he reassures them everything is fine. He makes his way back into his room and lays on his bed gingerly as to not pull out the sutures and starts thinking about the events that just transpired earlier. "Before I can even think about getting them together, I first have to see what is up with my First Officer and why he acted the way he did." He muttered to the ceiling. He reaches over to his personal PADD and pulls up his crewmembers bio pages. He stops when he comes to Spock's, realizing that it is a password encrypted . _It wasn't like that before? What is Spock hiding?_ He wonders as he clicks out and pulls up the ship's main computer and starts typing. A few minutes later, he successfully hacked into the system and put in the code for Spock's bio. _McCoy is so going to kill me,but frankly, my First is more important right now_ he thinks as he scans the page.

_Name: Spock(last name ommited)_

_Age:32_

_Species: Vulcan-Human hybrid_

_Birthplace: Vulcan(destroyed)_

_Parents: Sarek and Amanda Grayson(mother deceased)_

_Medical history: Suffers from hallucinations, hears voices, prone to manic episodes, possibly suffering from schizophrenia or Borderline Personality disorder; possible cause: constant harassment and abuse as a child from his peers; has around 4-5 months to remain sane before completely snapping and loses his mentality, could be sooner if not kept in check._

At the last few sentences, uncontrollable rage was boiling in Kirk, only to be replaced by sadness. Here he thought his First Officer was a stuck up bastard. He shuts down his PADD and sets it to the side and stares at the ceiling. Why Spock kept this from him, he probably will never know, but what he does know is that he needs to look out for his First Officer, no matter what happens. Sleep soon overtook him and he fell into a restless slumber.

In Uhura's room, she was sitting on her bed, drying her tears. After she broke it off, she couldn't help but feel nothing but utter despair coming from Spock. As she was walking away, the last thing she heard was a heart wrenching shriek then silence. She was half tempted to run back to check up on him, but decided against it, knowing that the doctor could handle it. Another reason why she broke it off was that she could tell the atmosphere has changed between Spock and McCoy. Hell, Uhura was the last one to know of Spock's illness, McCoy being the first. She sighs and slips into her night clothes and picks up a book. She may not be his girlfriend anymore, but that would not stop her from giving support to Spock because no matter what _We are still family and family stick by and supports one another_ she reminds herself as she closes the book and turns off the light, thinking of ways to show her support.

_Me:Nghh… Oh hai there. Hope you enjoyed Chapter 3. You got a little more into Spock's background and stuff. Honestly I do not know how the next chapter is going to play out. I was thinking of starting off with a night terror for Spock or something. Tell me what you think in your reviews._

_Spock: The symptoms I exhibited previously are actual symptoms Evil faces when they goes into one of their"episodes" I would suppose this is a creative way to "express their emotions"._

_Kirk: What he's saying is that from now on, Evil is going to be writing in her feelings as a way to escape reality so everything we go through, she is going(or has) gone through herself._

_Me: This is extremely long so we will end ît here. Please R&R!_


	4. Chapter 4

Voices That Harm Us

Ch. 4

_Hello and welcome to chapter 4. This chapter will be primarily Spock's childhood which contains __**physical, verbal and emotional abuse, self harm and attempted suicide.**__ You have been warned._

_McCoy: What she means is that she listed any triggers so there should be no flames telling her she never warned ya._

_Kirk: Evil does not own us but she does own the plot. According to her, there will be about 2 more chapters after this, as she doesn't like to draw out a fanfic too long._

It was about 9:30pm when McCoy felt warm breath ghosting down his neck and a slight whimper. He repressed a shudder and turned around as much as he could and came face to face with slanted eyebrows which were pulled together as Spock's face contorted like he was in agony. "Spock. Ya need ta wake up." He pleaded, shaking the Vulcan slightly. Spock uttered a soft cry and his eyes shot open, sitting up so suddenly McCoy nearly fell off the bed. "Hey watch it!" he grouched, positioning himself more securely on the bed. Spock continued to stare forward, shuddering slightly and ignoring Bones. "Lights 45%" Bones called out. Once the lights brightened, McCoy looked into Spock's unseeing eyes. _Oh god. He is having one of those dreams. All I know is that it is extremely unsafe to wake someone up from one of those, especially if they are mentally adept creatures. If only M'Benga was free…_ he is interrupted by a pained whine and Spock blinks rapidly, fully awake.

He turns to the doctor who is crossing his arms with a raised eyebrow. It was silent before Spock spoke up. "I… uh was having what you humans call a 'night terror'…." He is cuts off by McCoy clearing his throat. "What happened? You sat up, but you didn't acknowledge me or your surroundings. What were you dreaming about hobgoblin?" he asked. Spock was silent before speaking again. "I believe you will find your answers if I show you instead. May I?" he looked at the doctor imploringly. "If you mean your wonky Vulcan voodoo, then I suppose." The doctor grumbled. He felt long, slender fingers rest on the side of his head and suddenly he was being pulled into darkness.

Bones woke up with a groan and instantly started sweating like a pig in the Georgia heat. He looked around and noticed buildings made of the same red sand he was currently laying on. "What tha…." He trails off, looking down at himself and gasping. He was still in one piece, thankfully, but he was transparent. He stood up and saw a couple of people walking towards him. "Hey! Where am I?" he called, but they walked on by him like he never said a word. Looking closely, he could see pointed ears and an upturned eyebrow. _I am on Vulcan, but how? Wasn't it destroyed.._ his thoughts are interrupted as he sees a small boy running away froma group of older boys.

He furrows his brows and walks closer and to his shock, he is looking into the eyes of a 6 year old Spock, who is stopped to catch his breath. McCoy reaches out but goes right through the small Vulcan who gets picked up by one of the older boys and thrown on the ground. "Why are you running scum?" one of the boys a series of kicks to Spock's side. "P-please stop.." he whispers. Bones can only stare in horror and shock as the older boys continued to punch and kick the smaller Vulcan until he was nearly unconscious. "You would be better off dead somewhere." The tallest boy snarled, turning around and walking away, leaving Spock curled up on the ground. Bones shook out of his reverie and knelt down to the boy who was barely breathing and tears started to fall freely from the doctor's face. "HELP! GODDAMN IT SOMEBODY HELP!" he begged. He heard footsteps and a scream of a woman and all of a sudden, Bones is seeing black again.

Bones wakes up again but this time he is in a darkened bedroom. As his eyes got used to the darkness, he saw a tall, gangly figure sitting on what appeared to be a bed. "S….Spock.." Bones whispered, scooting closer. Indeed it was a 17 year old Spock, but something about him seemed off. His eyes, which would be normally so cold and calculating, were blown wide and a manic smile was plastered on the Vulcan's face as he held what appeared to be a dagger in his shaking hand. "If I must die, then so be it…." Spock muttered to himself. "Spock! Don't you dare…" he trails off, forgetting that these are only memories and cannot be heard.

Spock raises the dagger and brings it deep into his arm and drags it down with a shrill howl. Bones feels sick to his stomach as the Vulcan continued to mutilate himself and he nearly passed out when Spock slashed the dagger across his face, leaving a deep gash. He cackled loudly and Bones heard footsteps rushing to the room and the door being broken and before Bones blacked out again, he could see the anguished face of Ambassador Sarek picking up a phone and Lady Amanda rushing to her son's side, who by then stopped breathing.

Bones groaned and when he opened his eyes, he was back on the Enterprise with Spock looking at him with concern. "Doctor. You are crying." He stated simply. Bones reached up and to his surprise there was wetness on his face. "Why hobgoblin? I mean I can understand being upset, but…. You looked so…" he was at a loss and just buried his face in the nearest pillow and let loose his tears he didn't know he was holding back. Spock simply sat there and looked on the doctor, occasionally patting the other's back. Bones lifted his head from the pillow and let out a sigh. "I had no idea….. No one should have to put up with that." He whispered, pulling the other man close, ignoring the way Spock tensed up slightly then relaxed, wrapping his arms around McCoy's, wincing slightly as the fabric rubbed against his wrists. Bones felt the noticeable twitch and looked up. "Spock, let me see your wrists." He demanded. Spock pulled his arms back and shook his head. "No…. you cannot see…. No one can see…" he muttered, mostly to himself. Bones sighed and reached out and took Spock's arm gently. "Let me see. If they are hurt, I have to disinfect them so you will not get sick." He explained softly. Spock was still hesitant since no one has seen his scars and reluctantly lifted up his sleeves, revealing deep green gashes.

McCoy briefly thinks back to that one memory and swallows the bile as he gets up and rifles through his bag by the bed and pulls out the supplies. He says nothing as he gets to work on the cuts, reeling himself as he looks into those dark brown eyes which looked so haunted and sad. He puts everything back and after making sure the cuts are wrapped securely, he places his hand on Spock's cheek, hearing the hitch in the other 's breath as he leans closer, feeling his lips press against warmer ones.

Spock was silent throughout the whole ordeal and was surprised when McCoy leaned over and kissed him. He tensed up at first, then instinct took over and he reciprocated the kiss, taking Bone's free hand with his and interlaced their fingers. The kiss overall was innocent and sweet, but Spock could read the hints of concern, desperation and love filtering through their contact and for the first time in a while, he wasn't so scared anymore.

_There's chapter 4 for ya. Trust me, it took forever because it was hard for me to write this chapter without going into one of my panic attacks because like I said before, I have gone through everything Spock is/was going through and bringing up bad memories of a darker time in my life. Please R&R._


End file.
